Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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