Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Drunk is a universal language darling
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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