Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
