I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
