Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
