im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
