I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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