my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
