Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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