He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
