you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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