I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
