Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
