Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
