I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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