sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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