So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
