I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
