I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
