don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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