Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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