It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
