i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
