i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if only i could text you this smell
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
