I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
