This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize
