i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
