dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
