You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
