I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
