Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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