so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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