Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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