When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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