Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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