I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
