she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
