Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
