We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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