Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
