Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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