I want to have your abortion
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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