No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
