you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
