Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
