the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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