i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
