we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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