I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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