i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
